I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
