My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
