All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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