i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wish my penis had a tongue
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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