I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
