Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
