i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
