I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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