Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
