At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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