the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
