eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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