Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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