i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
