Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
