I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
