she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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