a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
