Whod you bang
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
