Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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