Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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