I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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