I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
