dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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