You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
