Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
from now on my penis is your penis
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
