i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We just shotgunned beers for America
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
