He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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