I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
