halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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