The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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