Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
