I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
