This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
