I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
