I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
