Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
