Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
