dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
