Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Panties = found
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
