i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
