garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
