you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
