At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
