I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
