I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
