The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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