remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
