I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
