just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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