1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
