who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
